Wednesday, August 12, 2009

the peking order

wondering where i am in the peking order on a day to day basis... and wondering if i even really care where i stand. and is evolution a huge broad drawn out survival and alteration of those on the top of the peking heirarchy. if so maybe i should start to have a bit more concern.

i don't really believe in people... well let me rephrase that. i don't believe in too many people. like parking. today i had to wait for someone to finish breakfast in their car before i could park. too many people. not enough parking spaces. makes me late for work. if i were higher on the peking order i would have ramed my car into the back of his, parked, then clocked in. then i wouldn't have been late.

the only good thing i can think about "too many people" is war or protest.  In both war and protest you need a lot of people to fight and overturn for a cause because numbers can win.  And a lot of people may die or get hurt or arrested... but when numbers combine with passion, money and/or skill.  There is a better chance in the outcome.  Sounds like a win- win situation, that is unless you are on the loosing side (but at least there is bloodshed to knock down the population numbers). 

soldiers... though they are great brave heros ...are probably close the bottom of the peking order for the greater order.  pawns in a chess game are just as important to win. 

don't get me wrong. i don't mean to sound so cold hearted... everyone in the order is important. placement and time here in the peking order does not de-value the actual soul.  Its like the food web.  Each is important in the pyramid of life.  people have souls... people are incredible. in fact... i think evolution has come a long way (obviously): echodermata, chordata fish, lobe fin fish, amphibians, reptiles, mammals, primates, people... i mean we are ultimately amazing creatures.

sex, music, art, math, politics, sports, figuring out things, civilization!!! extrodinary i tell you. however, it was that first on the list (sex) that has gotten us to the too many part. everything is good in moderation.

the octomom should be shot. she is disobeying the moderation rule. she should not be an exception. there just are not enough spots in the order to support so many damn kids. damn kids... thats why we have a high unemployment rate... too many damn kids having too many damn kids. yuk. (i mean i am happy... and overwhelmed with just my one kid)

anyway... i feel lost in the order. i know i am too anti social and too non confrentational to belong on the top (i just cant go around running into cars when i can't find a parking spot now can i) and i don't want be benthic (not quite ready to sign up to die in war). a comfy spot somewhere in the upper portion of the order would be ideal. somewhere in an active society. where my goods are needed and i can get the goods in return. i feel i attain some sort of talent, knowledge, innovativeness, or skill... i am just not exactly sure what, if it is needed, and how much i can get paid doing whatever it is.

so here i am... broke. blogging. and happy about birth control and custard pie.

Monday, July 13, 2009

twelve times shit

i have only ever been a lifeguard. royalty high upon a throne. only to be thrown. fallen like my mema reaching for the blinds. a blind person would stumble in my renovations. trip over the fridge centerpiece. try to reach inside to find my inner peace. when will the storm be over? havoc. stress induced ulcers i cannot cure with self stimulation. and o how that is my medicine, my escape from this reality i call life. dwelling on the cenozoic i don't have time to live anymore. i just want an old stump to sit apon and ponder. am i a dull lady? a dull mommy? a dull child? a dull sister? a dull lover? a dull friend? am i extinct? run out of instinct? feed on insects like other skinks? my arm pit stinks. Dear lord just make me a bird. I want to fly far far away from here. People who can't change thier lives change their hair.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

hot and bothered

my legs slightly spread apart. i feel wetness drip down my back into my crack. my cotton underwear are soaking. i am wearing a skirt and appreciate any breeze gently licking my thigh. i have my hair pulled to the side, stragglers stuck to my neck. i sip some water and let the moisture evaporate from my top lip. Broke, refusing to use my day to day pay running the air condition in may.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

a vulnerable heart

i love, i love so much, i believe in love, i give myself to love...

however, i feel...  to love, is to live life on the edge. it all feels so dangerous to me. i look in the mirror and i see my body pulse. having a heart so big causes such monstrosities. at what point can i tuck it safely away? en-caged. safe from stones and swords.
i stand there vulnerable... gazing, amazed at the steady thud that has engulfed my frame. i feel like i should hide. en-cage myself within these walls. safe from words and truth.
instead i opt for a shelter of eggshells... enough to push any stones or swords away. far away.
at what point will i ever be confident with my heart and not push people away with my jealousy. with my sensitivity. when can i love and let love? when can feel free from fear? i guess i hang onto the thought of nothing in life is guaranteed, especially love. i only know my heart. i can only hope and think it is capable to learn another. i can only hope and think that one day it will be more important than the fear from it.  embrace the process, realize love is initial, and with everything- time, effort and work can give it the longevity to plant that love bone deep in my marrow...  not letting me hide.  you just cant hide from your own skeleton. and that.  that.  making it unconditional.  part of me.  whole.  accepted.  accepting. for when two become one, i will be complete.  so.  loving god above....  please. compliment my psyche with another.  let me feel like it will be ok.  until then. I refuse to be lonely....  for i give my heart to mr. moon.

Monday, February 16, 2009

mad scientist aka god

so i am thinking that god is more of a mad scientist. Bang... unexplained, there has to be a greater force. and with that force he has created perfect conditions to grow and create. we are not the "chosen," rather it is the earth that is his "chosen" project. it was here long before us... and it will be here long after us. however, we are a minor result of experimentation. organisms from minerals. time. evolution. as if we were emeralds crystalized from corundum. trial and error. failure and fixture. like lice on a head infesting and unwanted. we are the greater species so we create a toxic environment in which it cannot survive. god is the greater force and our environment will soon become too toxic to inhabit as well. however, i think that god wanted us to make it and it is ourselves that are killing ourselves. taking gods earth, digging it up burning it. it is more godly to ride a bike, it is more godly to push a round bladed lawn mower. we will become extinct because we will not get in the way of his "chosen" project. when we die off and the earth cleanses itself and conditions improve maybe he will create another kinder out of clay.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

the iron in our blood came before the egg.

The dinosaur egg came first. Then the chicken… and finally, the chicken egg. Or at least I am convinced that it happened that way. Its always good to get background info. Like what kind of egg? The answer to that question could have gone completely wrong had i assumed it was between just the chicken and its egg. But since I went further into question, “the egg” does not specify “chicken egg” … Therefore, I was able to answer my own “chicken or the egg” question with the answer I know to be true.

Speaking of life, is it a miracle? Can life be a miracle if there was nothing before it? Or is it miraculous for that very reason. i know I marvel at the whole process. The creation of the universe in the matter of a bang. The aspiring superstar inside our iron filled blood originating from a supernova. Who knew that all events within the Venn diagram would lead to our coincidental life. A + B + C and the shaded area is us. We cant be here without the happenings of A,B, and C. That is pretty miraculous... all the way down to the tides and the moon. And just as we occupy only minuscule portion of events that lead up to our being… our actions will extinct us as the universe continues to expand. Or maybe as early life forms helped in aiding the creation of atmosphere which in turn created land animals... maybe our destroying of atmosphere will cycle anew evolutionary form that can withstand UV radiation and harmonize within the raisenbread.

Then another life form will thrive asking mindless questions of what came first.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


as i brood over feral minutiae i realize as a greenhorn on the subject i was not loaded for bear. a bevy of pecking order dogged my duck soup. the superior group tried to buffalo my idea of the kangaroo court, when i was the phoenix of disaster. self-appointed i began to ferret the grounds that continue to lionize my soul and toss away the white elephant that would eventually lead to eating crow. the case was a dark horse but i was a lupine for purity.